Another Birthday approaching.  My life looks so different this year.  I am actively working to create the life I love.  I am creating a business that inspires me each day.  And I know for sure that it is because of Leah, my amazing daughter and the gifts that I have received from the initiation of her death and transition to spirit that I stand in this place today.  I wish I could clearly language that gift.  For myself as well as for you.  It is born of the Mystery and can only be felt.  I have been touched deeply by that Mystery the last few days and i was brought to tears in my yoga class this morning.  When I remembered that Leah’s birthday is coming up on Monday it became clear.  It’s not that she hasn’t been on my mind lately.  There isn’t much time that goes by that she does not find her way into my thoughts.  It was the quality of the feelings this morning, the tears that reach deep inside and touch the places I last saw her physically.  The reality and the finality of it all, the suddenness.  So I let the tears come because i know that it is in allowing my pain to exist in each moment that i receive the blessings of the Mystery.  My head still cannot grasp what all of this means. So I drop it all into my heart.  My heart has learned to hold it all.  And it is from this place that I bring myself into the world these days.  I bow to the Mystery with gratitude and love.  Please take these next few days to remember a time that Leah touched your heart.  Feel free to share it here if you are called.  I feel wrapped in the arms of everyone who continues to love us through this initiation.  

There seems to be a pattern to my posting to this blog, birthdays and anniversary dates. My life continues in between these milestones but these dates put me in close contact with Leah and how our lives changed some 13 years ago. It still astounds me how raw my emotions are at this time of year. Sunday, November 3rd marks the anniversary of the accident, the portal into the roller coaster week at the hospital. Along with the painful memories comes the blessing of everyone who cared for us during that time. I know I have said it before, but I cannot travel this path this week without remembering everyone who sent love in whatever form it arrived. From prayers to food, from hugs to raking leaves, from being with us at the hospital as we hoped against hope for a miracle, I am grateful for all of you and send you love and prayers to wrap you the grace that has carried us through our darkest days.

As I enter this week, yes I am sad and I am also full of joy. That has been the paradox of this journey. For every sadness, there is blessing and grace. My life changed dramatically that day, in more ways than the obvious one. My willingness to meet the grief of losing my daughter became the grist for my initiation. I learned what it means to live in the unknown. We all do anyway we just don’t know it. Throughout these years Peter, Dan and I have all walked out own path of grief. Along the way we were eventually able to share our revitalized selves with each other. We each emerged a better version of our selves, striving to live in alignment with our soul’s purpose. When we come together it is with the respect and understanding of each other’s journey and our time is always filled with love, laughter and gratitude.
Perhaps this is the miracle I prayed for, I will never know for sure, and that is the magic in the unknown. I can surrender to the moment and let the miracle stand on its own merit and not attach any stories to it. I invite you all to take a moment this week to remember Leah and to ask yourself how she has changed your life as you navigated your own journey without her physical presence. What lessons have you learned as a result of your own initiation of her death? If you are called, please share here. It is by sharing our journey that we connect and show the world that there is another way to meet grief, a way that sustains us and teaches us about life and our place here on this planet. May each of you find the grace and blessing that come with meeting the sadness we all feel this week. In love and gratitude. Nancy

This morning I took a cup of coffee in the car with me on the way to work. The cup I took was one that was Leah’s. I used to use it everyday to take coffee to work, as a way of feeling her presence, but in the last few years in an effort to cut down on coffee, I stopped that practice. This morning however, I smiled as I took the cup that she used for hot chocolate and hot apple cider. Half way to work my glove got caught in the handle as I lifted it to drink. I realized that the handle was about to break, and that is when I lost it. One more thing that Leah touched about to be broken. It always amazes me what will take me back into the raw pain. It doesn’t matter what it is, these moments are here for me to feel the pain and loss and reflect on the time that has gone by, and all of the heart opening experiences I have had along the way. I taped up the cup handle with duct tape when I got to work. Duct tape will hold it together for a little longer, until I am ready to let it go. Duct tape is a little like Love. It is there when you need it and it is strong. Wishing you much love and duct tape when you need it.

Greetings Friends,
Yes, it is that time of year again, coming up on 12 years since Leah left us physically. This year again presents me with new insights into my journey. I continue to be so grateful for everyone who have supported us with love and prayer along the way. I continue to miss her with all of my heart. And I continue to live my life in alignment with Truth. I will share my reflections as the week goes on. Take some time this week to be thankful for your loved ones and say an extra prayer for us as we yet again circle this familiar and not so familiar road.
much love to all,
Nancy

Another birthday right around the corner. this year it comes with the realization that Leah would have been 29, the same age I was when she was born. That has been doing me since it arose about a week ago. I have also been with allowing Leah to be as she is now, rather than attaching stories to what or where I think she is, or wish she was. Lots of fertile ground with that investigation. It reminds me to allow everything and everyone to be as they are. Stories keep me out of the moment. The moment holds everything. Love and gratitude to all that is.

Nancy

Today I start a Novena as we move into the 11th anniversary of Leah’s leaving us physically. Join me if you are called.

Nancy

We experienced the first cooler air of autumn this past weekend.  I love this time of year.  The relief from the hot and humid weather of the past several months.  The crispness in the air, the promise of the leaves beginning to turn.  Then the feelings come that are also associated with the fall.  The feelings that surround the time of Leah’s transition to spirit.  They all come flooding back with the season’s change.  There is a certain kind of missing Leah that arises this time of year.  I did not associate it immediately with the anniversary of her death because it is still almost 2 months away.  The cooler weather came early this year, and so did these feelings.  My first thought is, ‘I don’t want to have these feeling starting now, it’s too early’  I recognize this as a story, and sit with the feelings again.  I do not know what the days between now and November 8th will bring.  My experience of this time is different each year.  This is the eleventh year.  I bring to the altar my broken open heart, missing my daughter.  I pray for the courage to once again navigate this time of year.

I was thinking over the weekend how our lives would have been different if Leah were still here physically.  While I know that it is futile to think that way, I indulged my mind for a little while.  There is agony when I think that I would have accepted any condition to keep her here.  I am grateful that my path from the moment she left until this one has been one of open questioning, willingness to go where it hurt, and unwavering faith that whatever was found along the path was exactly where I was supposed to be, no matter how painful it was to be there.  In doing that, what I know for sure is that there are no conditions for keeping her here. It was her time to leave, and while I do not understand, I am still willing to stand in this place of pain and missing her, knowing that when I do I continue to be blessed by the grace of the moment.  Her presence has been missed a great deal here lately.  Now after almost 11 years, there are days when I do not think about missing her.  And then there are days when it hurts just as much as it did 11 years ago.  While I would love to have a 28 yr old daughter in my life physically, I do not know what that would look like.  I am grateful for all of the blessings received from everyone who continues to hold us in their hearts and send us prayer.  We all create the field that continues to sustain us as we move through this part of our lives without Leah’s physical presence.  I hope that you can feel this field as well, and draw upon it when you most need it, as I do. 

much love, Nancy

Happy Birthday Sweet Girl.

I love you,

Mom

April 28th would have been Leah’s 28th birthday, her golden birthday.  I remember when she was a little girl she was upset that she had to wait so long for her golden birthday.  In the next 10 days, lets take some time to remember the golden times we shared with her. 

I pray that she is well and happy where ever she is these days. 

Nancy